?What do you mean coffee rounds aren't universal?

 I was today years old when I found out that coffee round is a VICTORIAN thing. Ok, sorry all other states and countries, Imma stay right here in the coffee capital of the world (apparently). Apparently it's only a team dependent thing in other states (and St Vs????? what r u guys doing????) Coffee round is like THE team building exercise within a hospital, heck even surgeons will go for coffee rounds if time permits → it's what UNITES all clinicians and the first step of medical students feeling like they're part of a team and not just a pot plant...mostly 😅

Anyways, coffee round is soooooo important in Melb (and imma assume whole of Vic cuz come on, who isn't addicted to coffee and caffeine round here?) that during transition from pre clin to clin, older med students will give a COFFEE ROUND ETIQUETTE lecture to the naive newbies full of unadulterated excitement and passion for finally interacting with real patients (and I pray to god that they never lose it in the face of teaching by humiliation, hospital inefficiency, the reality of finance v best practice etc etc). 

So why are coffee rounds so important?

1. NO COFFEE? Sorry brain working at <25% capacity, especially the goddamn early 7am surgical ward rounds (RIP interns who have to come in at 6:30am to prep notes 💀)

I now always leave the house w a home-brewed 2 shot latte in a keep cup cuz I do NOT trust myself to drive on the freeway for 35mins w/o some caffeine in my system at ridiculous-o-clock. BUT, that caffeine dose has well and truly been depleted post surg ward rounds (1 hr max) and DEFINITELY in the negatives on endless gen med ward rounds (we continue rounding AFTER coffee round aoeifjaoeiw) 

2. TEAM BUILDING. This is the time, esp for med students, when you discover that the doctors are not in fact just nerdy brainiacs and masochists of varying degrees (don't @ me, we must all be a lit masochist to choose med as our career in the first place, i mean min 5-year undergrad med, min 7 years if Uni Melb, + endless exams + infinity years of specialty trainings + night shifts + on call, I mean, come on). We are in fact all HUMAN, we all have had or are still going through our crazy ass one too many drinks phase (unless you're sworn to sobriety, to whom I have my deepest respect), we all like our time off to just chill and enjoy life, solo or w loved ones. 

3. FREEBIES.  #1 cardinal rule of coffee rounds → THE MOST SENIOR person BY MED RANK on the team RIGHT NOW PAYS FOR COFFEE. If that doesn't make you show up to ward rounds and STAY, I dunno what will. As med students, that's one less expense to worry about, tho if you're like me, you'll be buying at least another cup of coffee in the arvo as well. 

Coffee round etiquette

The most important rule has already been laid out rather passionately in the section above, so w/o further ado these are the hidden rules and traps to avoid:

2. NEVER refuse an offer for coffee. Don't drink coffee? That's fine, you can order a chai or a hot chockie. You'll be given shit for being "weak" and "just a youngster who can't even handle coffee" but hey, you won't be looked at like a cray cray if you god forbid ask for something like orange juice. Now this may seem weird, but I rationalise it like this → if you always refuse, can you be trusted to buy coffee for the youngsters in the future? No. And as humans, we all want to belong to a group right, but in order to enter a group, you must assimilate to a certain degree. I don't mean we should condone inappropriate and downright malicious behaviours, but there's nothing inherently wrong w coffee rounds so just GET A GODDAMN DRINK THAT COMES IN A  COFFEE CUP. Also, buying someone a coffee in the hospital is a pride thing, you have the earn it by progressing in the med hierarchy, so LET THE PERSON BUYING THE COFFEE HAVE THEIR MOMENT OF PRIDE. 

3. DO NOT change your coffee order. The only time you can change is if 1) you switch teams, 2) you're a senior reg/consultant (cuz they've earned the right to do whatevs...w/in reason). Some teams will have the coffee orders printed on the bottom of the patient list, some in the WhatsApp group chat description, and if you're lucky enough to have a barista as fcking awesome as Sunni from Green Bag @FH who fcking REMEMBERS your order after a few interactions, your barista will just make your regular. If you change orders, it's like waving a big SOS flag in the air → be prepared for the whole team turning into mamma bears (again I hope you're teams are like the ones I've been fortunate enough to join) and asking what's wrong what happened you alright, wanna talk about it in private later, left right & centre.

As you can probably see, I'm a massive coffee snob (to the point I can't actually tolerate instant coffee now, I'm not even joking, I tried, it's bad) and am super proud of the Melb coffee culture, so if you're an MD2 next year at Western and see me in Sunshine, I would be more than happy to buy u a cuppa and debrief over hectic hospital learning. I may not be able to give any longlasting solutions, but I believe I'm a good listener, so hit me up if you need! 💕