Healing is not linear 🙃

-

 If you’ve read my very first post, you’ll know that I was struggling a hekking lot w life and med school in 2021 and was dx w adjustment disorder mid 2021 and took 1.5yr LOA before recommending 2nd year med this year. Well, it’s only since like mid year this year that I felt comfortable enough to explicitly say, yeah I had adjustment disorder, yeah I have a psych l, yeah I’m on escitalopram. 

Apparently I’m a good “fake it til you make it” person cuz subject coord at Western clin school thought I was like totally ready and eager to come back from Feb when actually I was internally screaming, attending ward rounds just to hide in library or bathroom or anywhere else (no I’m not disclosing my secret hideout, everyone has to find their own in each hospital, and trust me everyone needs one) until last 2 weeks of Sem 1. 

Also massive newly discovered pet peeve: don’t assume I’ve always been an extrovert and happy to start convo and be proactive and whatnot so I don’t struggle w becoming part of the med team or speaking to pt, cuz if you say to my parents I have no social awkwardness and avoidance they will laugh hysterically in your face and tell you I still refuse to make a phone call for 1hr+ and need to hype myself up even to this day sometimes and all the times I’ve hidden behind their legs and back. Yes l realise I oscillate between extremes, no I don’t ruminate and overthink and get second hand embarrassment from how I act and have an existential crisis and contemplate moving somewhere completely off grid b/c of it totally not at all what do you mean I’m not an over thinker at aaaaaaaallll, I’m trying my best here, please kindly let me know if I’m speaking too much or going over line, BUT DON’T JUST STOP ME FROM TALKING!!!!! 😡😤🤬

Coming back from the tangent, as I was recounting my experience of med school in 2021, I realized that I was not as "over and ok" about what happened that year → I surprised even myself by how emotional I was getting about it (you can only imagine how alarming that may have seem to fellow colleagues that has only ever seen calm quiet Jessie, so thanks for flagging me w Stephen, appreciate the sentiment, but you could've also messaged me first or ask me a day later after I calmed down I'm OK currently for next time 😄💕)

So yeah, HEALING IS NOT LINEAR BUT THAT'S OK. It's also OK IF YOU NEED LONGER TO WORK THROUGH YOUR ISSUES THAN OTHERS, everyone moves at their own pace. It's also REALLY EASY TO HIDE BEHIND A MASK, so DON'T ASSUME people have their life together → chances are THEY ARE SINKING W YOU. 




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Things I wished I knew in MD2

-
Image
This post is prompted by all the new faces I'm seeing at the hospital and the fact that I've signed up to be a Peer tutor/mentor for a group of MD2s, so here goes nothing... 1. Everyone has their own golden ratio of placement:textbook/lecture study and that's alright - caveat is you do the min 20hr placement (fr I've heard of people repeating MD2 because of attendance 💀). Personally, I worked out I'm a more practical learner and things I learn opportunistically on the ward are what stick with me the most, so my ratio was more 70-80 ward: 20-30 textbook learning. There is the downside of feeling like I'm adding bricks to a wobbly pier, but honestly, uncertainty is just a feeling we have to learn to get used to in medicine regardless. Also, it's totally fine if your golden ratio changes according to which rotation you're on.  2. Getting enough sleep is more important than cramming in one last lecture or podcast or practice qs -  to be quite frank if you...
Read more

End of 1st Week in Paeds Reflection 🍼

-
Image
  Biggest takeaway? Interacting with patients’ parents is not nearly as difficult as I thought it would be.  *sigh in relief x1000* Don’t get me wrong though, I defs spent an inordinate amount of time on my first ED shift hyping myself up to enter a cubicle and give the whole “I’m a med student, doctor told me I could come and talk to you about why your kid is in hospital, are you happy to do so?”  *internal monologue: please don’t bite me I’m sorry I’ll just excuse myself out now*  Reality check? I have yet to be rejected by a parent, and actually, most are quite happy to discuss what’s going on and raise any concerns that may have arisen in the interim, doubly so if they've just been waiting in the waiting room for hours- apparently seeing even a med student feels like they're getting attention (thank you for overestimating my contribution)  Takeaway 2: common things are common - a no brainer but don't think that hit as hard last year as it does now. <1yo w...
Read more

End of O&G rotation reflection

-
Image
 First of all, how the fck are we already 10 days into the fcking THIRD MONTH of 2024 and 6 weeks of MD3 has already gone and pass. No jokes, just feeling like I know what's up with O&G and already it's time to move onto another rotation 💀💀💀 guess there's some continuity in content with neonates technically being under paeds but otherwise all new content and ref ranges to learn 😨😨 But I digress and now back to the actual content of this post - REFLECTION! Everyone's fav part of PP what with the Gibb's cycle, how can we not 😆 not no, my brain is not str enough for that, you're just gonna get a very chaotic ver of that today 🙃🤡😚 #1 Don't skimp on sleep - pretty sure this was one of my tips for incoming MD2, but hey, "do as I preach, no as I do"...but no seriously, I had a slap in the face wake up moment just this week. Day 1 bedtime procrastination, just under 6hr sleep - could barely focus on what's going on in hosp, felt sick to t...
Read more